so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
