She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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