I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
