I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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