Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
