But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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