there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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