The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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