please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
