I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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