An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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