Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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