Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
