the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
