I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
