i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
