but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
