the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
