dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
