I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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