Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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