My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
