grandma shit on top of the toilet
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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