are you still at the devil's house?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
