How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
