yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
