Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
