Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
