All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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