dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
