He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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