i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
