Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
