Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
