All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
