Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
