Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
