Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
