I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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