cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
