It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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