I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
