My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
