They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
