I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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