Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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