seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
