farters have to be the big spoon...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
