the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
