i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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