How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Come share oat with me in your robe
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
