I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
