God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
