i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
