OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
