can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize