Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
