so that wasnt chicken after all
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
