somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
