My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
